Week 17
"There are certain emotions in your body that not even your best friend can sympathize with, but you will find the right film or the right book, and it will understand you" - Bjork
** or the right song **
On Sunday morning I jumped into a friend's car to head to a rooftop sunrise shoot. As I stepped in I asked for the music to be changed as he was listening to rap.
My liking in music is very dependent on the lyrics. Music with words that tell a story I can identify with travel deep. Even if the song has no real connection to my life or any experience, my empathetic self feels what the singer is relaying as if he/she is living it, and I hurt or rejoice for them. I am not a fan of rap and hip-hop, because for me, there is nothing significant about 'I got a glock in my rary' or 'I'm so gangsta prissy chicks don't wanna f*** with me' --- I can't. I try to be open to things as much as possible. But those words just don't do it for me. It does for others, but not for me.
On our way back from the shoot, he tried educating me about the specific rapper he was listening to when I got into his car. He tried convincing me that not all rap and hip hop is meaningless. That there is actual art created in it, and life messages being transmitted. He provided examples of what this singer/songwriter raps about, and how his style is so unique. I listened, liked what I was being told, and decided to give it a try. And so he played it, and I tried listening to rap as I do other genres. Listen closely, feel, relate.
I listened to Logic, a 27 year-old rapper, singer, songwriter, and record producer. The first song I listened to jumped from different perspectives in such a genius way. It integrated the fatality of an accident, talking to 'God', and the explanation of a theory of life; more specifically how little we know about it. Genius I tell you.
But then I listened to a song that prevented me from swallowing the bread I was eating. I had a knot in my throat throughout as I listened to its every word. Never in a thousand years did I think a rap song would make me feel the way that song made me feel. The song is titled "Anziety"
"Ima make it someday somehow"
what you telling yourself
But you ain't focused on what's important: mentality, health
Speech within the song-
It was December in sunny Los Angeles California
in the heart of Hollywood
I stood next to my wife in a line surrounded by hundreds of other people
on our way to watch Star Wars
When suddenly I was engulfed with fear and panic
as my body began to fade
In this moment my mind was full of clarity
But my body insisted it was in danger
........
And soon enough I found myself in a hospital bed being told
what I went through was anxiety
.......
The doctor said it was anxiety
But how could it be anxiety?
How could anxiety make me physically feel off balance?
How could anxiety make me feel as though I was fading
from this world and on the brink of death?
.......
Derealization
The sense of being out of one's body
I'm not here
I'm not me
I'm not real
Nothing is
Nothing but this feeling of panic
Every word was familiar. His description of anxiety as feeling physically off balance, fading away, panic, and on the brink of death punctured through my heart.
An anxiety I dealt with alone for as long as I can remember. Anxiety and depression I kept as a secret to not add to my parents' list of worries. I was 'strong' in their eyes, I was the family's anchor, how could I possibly weaken? If I fell, my family would too, I thought.
Anxiety and depression is real. And even more real is the silence that surrounds it. It's a silent killer the creeps in and suffocates, slowly. Oh so slowly.
It's like having a constant voice poking fun at you for feeling helpless, which makes you feel even more helpless, because you know the voice is right. The voice is heavy as it pushes you down making it impossible to get out of bed upon waking up. It plays and replays nerve racking and sorrowful events making sadness the most known and familiar feeling. The voice thumps in rhythm to your racing heart, making it louder and deafening. This voice never leaves. It becomes quieter sometimes, so quiet that you may think it's gone for good, but it comes back. Without announcing its return, it comes back well fed, bigger, louder, and more aggressive.
The voice becomes so deafening that there comes a point when its sound waves knock you into a hole. A deep dark hole, so deep that light isn't visible when looking up. I was in there. I tried climbing out, by ignoring the feelings and pushing them aside as I always did, but this time it didn't work. And the fact that I couldn't get out made matters worse.Until I embraced my emotions, I learned to listen and talk to my heart. To free myself from my own mind because it was distorting and intensifying what my heart was feeling. I had to learn to accept that my heart was a little different. It felt too much. It felt my feelings and others' as well. Once I accepted that about myself, I was no longer at the mercy of my emotions. Because I let myself feel, and then took control of my thoughts, which in turn took control of those feelings before they controlled me.
There is nothing wrong with sadness, and feeling nervous. But when they forcefully want to become your best friends, your mind tends to listen and welcome them in. Controlling my thoughts through self help books, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, positivity, and putting ME first, helped me climb out of the hole, as if they slid in a long ladder and helped me out.
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