Week 14
Growing up I was extroverted and fearless. The extroversion and fearlessness lasted until middle school. I was then flooded with fears. Fear of bad grades, of disappointing my parents, my teachers, myself. Of getting caught doing, or even thinking something I wasn't supposed to. Of wanting too much. Of flying. Yes, of flying. I suddenly became deathly afraid of airplanes.
I've let go of many of my fears. I no longer care about disappointing anyone but myself. Bad grades? I'm done with school, and if there's any grading left to do, it will be on how much I learn, love and laugh in my life. So far, I'm giving myself an A+ with room for more pluses. On wrongdoing and getting caught, I only care about catching myself before I go deeper in the wrong, and if I do, find a way to dig myself out, and learn from it. Wanting too much? I want what I want, and no longer apologize for it. My wants, however, are different from what they were. I desire happiness and balance. That's all.
But the one fear that persists is flying. * I write this as I'm sitting in between John (my husband) and a stranger, in a plane taking me from San Francisco to New York *
The day before a flight, the anxiety I've been successful at controlling for the past 2 years comes back. It lasts until I'm up in the air in a steady and smooth flight. Once I feel turbulence, it comes back full force. I close my eyes, shake my legs, breathe in and out, and pray under my breath. Pray to the universe. Pray to a God I don't know the name of, but I know is there. Once the turbulence passes, I look around me. People are sound asleep, reading, talking, watching movies. And then I wonder, why am I so afraid? Why does this happen Every. Single. Time?!
No matter how many times I fly, which I'm doing more of, I'm still terrified of being up here, somewhere in the sky, inside an overpowering, loud and shaky machine that for some reason takes control of my thoughts, emotions, and body. But why do I let it? How do I make it go away?
I hike. I love altitude when hiking, so when I travel I purposefully look for hikes that lead to beautiful sceneries from up above. I crave standing, walking, and photographing on the edge of beautiful solid earth and looking down. Down at nothing. At the abyss. John hates when I do that, but he knows it gives me such a thrill and happiness, that as much as he hates it, he just stands behind me and lets me be.
I am often asked how can I not be afraid of heights, especially being so vulnerable standing on an edge with outside factors circulating, such as wind, a wrong step, feeling dizzy, etc, but feel afraid being in a plane, which is more secure. I am not quite sure what the answer is, but after thinking long and hard about it, I believe it's about control and trust. The control I have over my own body when standing on a precipice, and the trust I have in me that my body knows what it's doing and what it's feeling. I don't feel that while in a plane. I'm enclosed in a machine, up in the sky, flown by a pilot I do not know. My body then reacts to the lack of control. It wants to trust in itself but it can't because all power has been snatched away from it.
I'm still flying. As I type, the plane is somewhere over Denver. There's moderate turbulence according to my app and what I feel. But I'm not shaking my leg. I'm obviously not closing my eyes. And I'm not praying. I'm on my phone typing away. Controlling my thoughts as I'm writing. My body is still at the mercy of this airplane, but my thoughts are coming back to me. They're quieting. My emotions aren't recklessly slipping away from me and doing as they please. My heart beats at a faster rate than usual, but it's not loud enough for me to hear, as it usually feels like when I'm in here.
I perhaps won't ever get over this fear completely. I don't plan on not facing it either, because I want to travel and explore as that is part of my happiness; so getting on a plane and being 35,000 ft above ground is necessary. But writing through a flight, writing about what is going on in my head and chest throughout seems to help. Have I found a way to not only ameliorate my fear of flying, but create something beautiful out of something scary?
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