Achilles Heel

#52essays2017
Week 2


It was genetics. She came from a family of worriers, and living with her father who did just that, day in and day out, didn't help the situation. Genetics and learned behavior intertwined perfectly to make her into a living, breathing hot mess of emotions and feelings.

A hole in her stomach and a fast beating heart were part of her everyday physiology. A foggy mind filled with worries about her family members, especially her older brother, invaded her brain to the point of body weakness. Although her brother was 6 years older than she was, she always felt a need to protect him, look after him, be there for him whenever he needed someone. She was that someone by default, at her own expense. Even when she wished she wasn't that someone, it wasn't something she could control. Her mind and body acted on its own without permission, making his problems and burdens her own. She not only worried about him, but the effect he had on her parents, affected her as well. She simply didn't want any negativity circling her family. Had she been given one super power, it would have been to liberate them from all negative feelings, and carry it all within her. She could handle it. They couldn't.

When they were young, her brother's academic habits, forgetfulness and careless behaviors were issues their parents had to deal with. She worried every time their dad would call them to the living room to check their backpacks. She felt nervous when he came home with incorrect grocery items, even when given a list. When they were older, his late nights with friends kept her up, pacing in her tiny 10x6 ft room, praying until he came home.

Once, when he was 18, he rollerbladed to his girlfriend's house to visit her; it was a daily routine. This particular day, he didn't come home for dinner, as was established. He didn't call. There was absolutely no word from him. By 11 pm, their parents went out looking for him. She knew their worry. She felt it. She saw the horrifying images that her mother was seeing inside her head. Their father went looking for him in hospitals. Their mother walked up and down blocks while crying and praying. She stayed home, looking out the window, hoping for a phone call. Her body felt hot and numb, and her heart beat was so loud, she was sure her brother heard it from wherever he was. He arrived at 12:30 am. She saw him from the window, his body becoming larger as he came closer. As soon as he stepped foot into the apartment, a punch to the face from their father welcomed him in. Her brother was home, the blow to the face hurt him, so he was alive and well. That's all that mattered. Her soul came back to her body at that moment.

These worries weren't only hers. Her parents also worried for him more than they did for anything or anyone else. They knew he was absent-minded, careless, and irresponsible. In their eyes he needed more help and guidance than she did. She was responsible, she was strong. She didn't need them as much. But it wasn't only help and guidance that he received. He was being enabled. His traits and behaviors were being reinforced, and new toxic personality traits were being created as a result. She learned from early on to empower the toxicity.

As he grew older his ways affected his marriage, his work, his life in general. He didn't see it. He didn't realize he was the problem, because in his head everything bad that happened in his life was the result of an external factor, never himself.

She suffered with every one of his downfalls. Although he didn't. His own problems never affected him as much as they affected her.

He is now 34 and she is 28. She is learning to take care of herself, after 27 years of life. She is learning to disconnect and keep her distance from everything that harmed and harms her still. The learning process is a long, painful and beautiful journey all at once. One that she is proud of. She lives for her, sees things with a different lens and perspective, she takes deep breaths when life happens. But not when HIS life happens. He continues to be her achilles heel.

Before, she hoped this would change. She no longer hopes, because one cannot live off of philosophies without practice. She will continue to apply into her life everything she is working hard for. In due time, she will be ok, and his misfortunes and happiness won't equal hers. Because one is responsible for their own happiness and peace, and it is time to hand him back his ability to live his own life.

She will continue to love them, that's not in question, but she will love herself harder. Because she needs to be there for herself. Because being selfish was never an option, but she knows now that selfish also means self-care.

She was told she didn't need the support her brother needed. In reality she did. But that's ok. It truly is. She trusts that life knew exactly how it needed to play out for her. And now the rest is up to her.

But darling, 

in the end you've got to be your own hero, because everybody's busy trying to save themselves.

C.T